How to use an otter to negotiate
Is to turn it loose in the room
Among the lawyers and business types
Trusting its liquid eyes and old-woman whiskers
To get us to a place where everyone is happy
While knowing they all know you know
Otters live by their wits
And teeth and claws
Are fiercely territorial
Defend their young to the death
Only sometimes mate for life
But prefer loafing in the waves
If only everyone could get along
1.
New rule in your city:
Everything you know about blackbirds
Is about to change.
2.
The blackbird told me
One simple trick
To get the IRS off my back.
3.
Check out these
Hilarious blackbird fails!
4.
Revealed: secrets
Of the world’s richest blackbirds.
5.
Click here to view
Celebrity nude blackbirds!!!
6.
I am Nigerian prince
Recently come to possession
Of substantial Blackbirds.
Transmission of a small sum
To pay Customs duty
Enables their release to you.
7.
Watch how this chance meeting
Between two blackbirds
Erupts into violence.
8.
The unblinking eye
Of the blackbird
Is our last bulwark
Against terrorism.
9.
Here are six wild predictions
That came true
About a blackbird.
10.
Yes! Yes!
Blackbird!
11.
Red wing; black bird;
The all-in-all.
It takes millions of colors
To make this clear
So buy a new phone now
12.
Secret brain pill blackbirds are using
May soon let them
Replace humans.
13.
True science:
This blackbird
Kept in a sealed box
Was both alive and dead
And neither.
We summoned Dylan Thomas’s spirit;
He was more than a little bit drunk, we all could hear it.
But we were charmed he had chosen to honor us
And even inebriated, his voice was still quite sonorous.
Well, I had a little accident when I was just a lad
I burned my hand, and listen, man, it hurt real bad
A couple years later, I met Doctor McGee
He saw my thumb and he said son, I guarantee
If you just give me a chance, I’ll make it good as new
I’ll make your hand perfect, yes I swear it’s true
I’ve done it many times before, I know just what to do –
McGee, he’s gonna howl He don’t understand But the judge found it simple, so he put it on remand He said, “Son, you’ll get the damages that you demand ’cause you believed in the promised hand.”
He told me that my hand would be one hundred percent
I thought because he said it, that was just what he meant
Now I will never recover, my whole life is a wreck
When I think of that day it makes me mad as heck
He said your hand’s okay, but you deserve the best
He took a knife and then he cut this skin from my chest
Now my fingers are itching and I can’t get no rest…
McGee, he’s gonna howl He don’t understand But the judge found it simple, so he put it on remand He said, “Son, you’ll get the damages that you demand ’cause you believed in the promised hand.”
The jury monetized the difference, it was quite a lot
Between the hand that I expected and the one I got;
And I’ve come to find out that I’m a famous case
Prominently featured in The Paper Chase —
But what is all of it worth, when I can’t sleep at night?
My hand is matted and unsightly and it looks a fright
If I could take it all back, I really think that I might…
But every graduate of law school All across this land They may forget my name but they recall my hand I’m more famous than that guy who killed the fox and ran…
’cause I believed in the promised hand ’cause I believed in the promised hand Yeah I believed in the promised hand.
Also, the guy who killed the fox was Jesse Pierson (in case you’ve forgotten). The image illustrating this little fiasco is “The Beast with Five Fingers” by Dave Wild, published under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC 2.0) license. Finally, a big if belated Thank you! to MAD Magazine for establishing legal precedent, in addition to generally sticking it to the man.
How to use an otter to negotiate
Bag of Anything 